WTF Universe?


Kathleen told me last week that my pheromones must be radioactive.

On Monday, I went to the gym as usual. I noticed several fellows looking my way during my workout, but I ignored them all. There is one fellow that I have had a few interactions with: I am always trying to move out of his way which makes him laugh because I’m never actually in his way. He introduced himself to me this time and we had a nice chat. After I got home and showered, I stationed myself on the couch to watch some boob-tube. At 9:30 pm, I received a text message from a number I deleted seven months ago. As much as I wanted to reply, “who is this?” I recognized the number and I just couldn’t do it. “Hello Sarah.” After staring at my phone for 30 minutes, all I could say was: “Hello, Adam.” He followed with a long apology that he treated me in a way I never deserved and he thought about me all of the time. I thanked him for the apology and said that I couldn’t have a conversation because I wasn’t ready to deal with the emotions he had just stirred up. I knew I would hear from him. I just didn’t know when. I cried myself to sleep that night.

Tuesday was my date with Whole Foods Boy (WFB). I thought about Adam all day, but as soon as WFB came to pick me up all my thoughts were re-focused. WFB and I didn’t communicate the next couple of days, but he sent me a message on Friday while I was working that he hoped to see me soon. I offered that he could come hang out with me that evening. I was doing some painting, and said he was welcome to come watch sports and listen to me sing while I created a masterpiece. He came over around 8:00. We watched a movie and cuddled on the couch. I expected him to head home when the movie was over, but instead he started kissing me pretty intensely. He suggested we move to my room and I went with it. You know that scene in Crazy, Stupid Love where Emma Stone’s character tells Ryan Gosling’s character that he had to have been photoshopped? Welcome to my Friday night. I asked when he had last been tested, and he went silent for a minute. He took so long to reply, I assumed he was fabricating a story. Finally, he said, “I’ve never been tested. I don’t have a lot of sex.” Uh, what? Anyway, some stuff happened and he spent the night. He buzzed out around 8 the next morning because he had to be at work at 9:00. He decided not to go out with me that night to Matt’s celebration because he had to work Sunday morning as well and didn’t want to be up late two nights in a row.

Flash forward 12 hours, and I meet Matt out for his birthday. Several people from work were supposed to meet us, and I couldn’t reach any of them. Long story short, I end up the lone female surrounded by Matt and six of his friends. Matt had been drinking since 1:30 in the afternoon and was pretty sauced when I showed up. He started telling his friends, and several ladies who were trying to hit on him, that I was going to marry him but I just hadn’t yet said ‘yes.’ Super awkward. Either he has terrible friends, or they were just drunk and horny because two of them tried to talk me into making out with them in the bathroom, one tried to convince me to move 100 miles west to live with him, and two others kept dancing on me and rubbing their junk on my butt. I will admit I got a good laugh when the two dancy fellows caught me in a Night at the Roxbury moment. If you have any ideas that I’m a good person, you might want to stop reading now. This is where my ethics take a nose-dive. I brought home one of Matt’s not so close friends, and then I had to drive him home this morning. When he got out of the car, he asked for my number and said he’d like to hang out sometime. Sorry, buddy. Things are a bit too complicated in my world to add another to the mix. All I could think about today was WFB: From the moment I woke this morning, driving the fellow home, at my parents’ house watching football, to this current moment. I feel awful about what I did, and it doesn’t help to tell myself that he’s not my boyfriend and I don’t know that we’re exclusive. These thoughts led me back to Adam. Now I can’t stop thinking about Adam. What does he want? He’s so bad for me, but I’ve always felt a gravitational pull to him. I also feel a strong connection to WFB. What else would have made me drive back to that store more than an hour after I left just to give him my number?

Coming full circle, I ran into my ex-husband at the grocery store tonight. I recognized his car and texted him that I thought I had parked next to him. When I came out of the store, he was sitting in his car waiting for me. We talked for an hour, then realized we were both headed to the same store after. I followed him there and we talked a bit more while we shopped. We ended up checking out at the same time. When I was finished, we hugged and said goodbye. It was so easy to talk to him. Maybe we will be able to be friends and let go of our tumultuous past together.

Now if only I can figure out what to do with all of these men!


Where is he?


This past weekend I invited Morgan to Fringe Fest, a performing arts festival, with my friends. We had a great time. He likes my friends and they like him. However, I knew something was up when he didn’t want to spend the night, even though he was going to the baseball game with me the next day and we live 30 minutes from each other. He did go to the game with me, and after said he had a really good time with my brother and me. Somewhere in the third or fourth inning, we got up to get a beer and walk around the stadium. We stopped and talked for a bit once we were away from my family. He commented that I didn’t ask him very many questions. I replied that he volunteers most information, plus we haven’t spent any time alone in the past two weeks. Every time I’ve seen him, it’s been with friends and he doesn’t want to hang out with just me. We talked about the incident at the pool. He apologized again for the way he acted. He said looking back, he was really inappropriate but I had dealt with it well. I brought up his avoidance of the boyfriend question. His response was that he has been burned so many times that he is afraid to get close to someone. He wants to date me longer before he calls me his girlfriend. We both feel like we slept together too soon. I’ve been hurt. I’ve been hurt badly by the last few fellows. I used to be a heart-breaker, but now I find that I’m consistently the one with a broken heart. The last two fellows I dated left me for another. The fellow before that wanted to be friends with benefits but told me that he didn’t know what I wanted, even though I was very clear that I wanted a relationship. Morgan told me he wanted to continue to date me, and he isn’t going to date anyone else, but I don’t really understand what that means. He said he wasn’t looking to date anyone when we met. Well neither was I. It had been just 8 days after I received that awful text from Aury when I met Morgan. Morgan is the one that approached me at the pool. He asked for my number. He asked me on the first date. He initiated our first sexual encounter.

I feel like I’m not good enough. Fellows think I’m pretty and funny at first, but then start to back away once they get to know me a little better. Is there something wrong with me? I’m not the most amazing woman out there, but I’m a pretty good catch. I want someone that can’t get enough of me. Someone who gets the same kind of excited pounding in their chest when I text or call. I want romance. I want something that starts out uncomplicated. It should start easy, right? Tonight seems like a good night for a drive. I have a lot of thinking to do.