Alone Again… Naturally

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Two years and two days have passed since I met WFB (Whole Foods Boy). A little over one week ago I asked him to move out. Alcoholism and depression are motherfuckers and I can handle one, but not both. He basically moved in with me last summer, though he was still under a lease with his roommate for six more months. It was June of last year when he “moved in.” I asked him to stop living in my house if he wasn’t at least helping with dishes and mowing the lawn. Three months later, he was in a car accident and had to reveal to me that he had been driving on a restricted license due to not complying with state laws and getting an Interlock Breathalyzer system installed in his car TWO YEARS PRIOR when he got his second DUI. I forgave him the major omission, but still asked him to move back in with his roommate. He never left. In January of this year, he began paying rent and moved all of his things in to my house.

On the subject of alcohol, I’m the kind of person who will buy a six pack of beer that will last me six months. He drinks two or three beers a day for no reason and binge drinks on the weekends, often to the point of belligerence. He doesn’t drink Coors or Budweiser with low alcohol content – he purposefully buys beers in the big bottles that are anywhere from 10-15% alcohol content. I was embarrassed to take him anywhere that alcohol would be involved. In August of last year, we were invited to a party at a local bar. My friend’s friend was paying for all the drinks that night, and I informed WFB of this fact. He still ordered $20, $25, $30 bottles of beer, justifying the expense because “we were all sharing them.” He drank so much that he didn’t remember leaving or the cab ride home. He woke up the next day and asked if we had walked home.

In May, he went to a birthday party without me. I was house-sitting and didn’t feel well enough to attend. He drank so much that at 5:00 am, when he was supposed to be headed to work, he could not blow clean to start his car. His phone was dead and once he left his friend’s house, the door was locked behind him, everyone asleep inside. He walked almost 30 blocks to the house where I was staying, reeking of alcohol and his eyes bloodshot. “Can you take me to work?” he asked when I opened the front door in shock. I dropped him off and barely spoke to him. He was fired the next day. He swears it had nothing to do with his physical state that day.

He sat at home for almost three months, living off of the three months of PTO he had accrued that were paid out to him. He never filed for unemployment. He applied for only 2-3 jobs a week, stating that he had to completely re-write his cover letter every time and “that took a lot of time.” One week into his unemployment, my friend offered him a part time gig in a warehouse that would allow him to make money while looking for a career in something he had more interest. He assured me he was going to continue to apply for jobs while working at this temporary job. It was early August when he finally applied and started working in the warehouse. He is still there. They offered him full time and he is no longer looking for a career that interests him. He says he’s not going to be there forever, but that’s what he said about Whole Foods. He was there for over four years, and his mother was the one who talked him into applying there. He would still be there if he hadn’t been fired. I pushed him into the warehouse job because it was guaranteed income and he could continue the job search while earning some money.

About a month ago, I wanted to try to work things out. I went to his parents (who had just returned from seeing WFB’s brother in rehab) about his problem with drinking and his lack of motivation. There is a long line of alcoholism in their family. His parents promised to help him however they could and supported my decision if I chose to end the relationship. I recently started nursing school and I am not equipped to handle the stress of his depression and alcoholism along with the stress of school. I came home and relayed what I had told his parents. He spoke with them the next day, coming home to tell me that he was going to start AA classes and make an appointment with a therapist. He has been saying for the past six months that he is going to contact his previous therapist and get help. There has been no such contact. He has attended no AA classes. He is not very good at following through.

Four weeks ago, we broke up. Three weeks ago, we tried to work it out. A little over one week ago, we broke up and I asked him to move out. He has yet to look for another place to live. He doesn’t know how to take care of himself, and I cannot mother another man. I saw a six pack in his closet when I moved my printer out of his room two days ago. Some things never change.

He came home crying today, asking me if I’m happy. I simply left the house. I’ve grieved the loss of our romantic relationship for so long that I cannot cry any more about it. I’m sad some days but I am happy others. Some days I want to crawl into his arms and say, “let’s work it out,” but I know I’ll just turn around and change my mind the next day. Love is a bitch.

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Wednesday

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I’ve been in a very depressed state these past few weeks. This seems to happen every time I return home from Seattle. I wonder if it is my heart telling me to go to the city or if it’s the simple fact I get to spend every day with my best friend for days on end, only to be thrown back into my daily routine so far from her. Either way, my fog has lifted. I finally feel like me again.

I sent a text to Morgan on Monday evening while I was out with Greg and Matt. I needed to talk to him about his late night, drunken messages to me. I was very accusatory and he was very short in his replies. He told me I needed to stop talking down to him and that we all do embarrassing things when we are drunk. His reason for ignoring me the next two days was that he knew it was inappropriate to send the messages. I asked that if it happens again he not ignore me and pretend like it didn’t happen. I was actually quite rude, but my feelings were hurt. I apologized yesterday, but didn’t get a response until tonight. He chatted with me briefly, but I was at the gym and he is working so it didn’t amount to much. I do enjoy his company, so I would like to perpetuate this friendship and not worry about romance.

Just before I left work today, the administrator’s wife asked me if I had any dates lined up for the weekend. I replied that I’m not currently in dating mode, but rather in self-exploratory mode. She talked to me about her search for herself, and it was the best pep-talk I’ve had. She is a great lady, and I hope to be like her when I grow up. She was single for ten years before she met her husband, and spent a lot of time doing whatever she pleased and not settling for less than what she needed. The two of them have been married at least 20 years now, have two fantastic children, and are an incredibly happy couple. It really opened my eyes that I still have to figure myself out. There are too many things I don’t know about me and I want to know my whole story before I try to learn the story of a potential mate. I feel lucky that I’ve had so many dating experiences in such little time. The past two years have taught me so many valuable lessons about life, love, and happiness. I’m getting closer to knowing the real me, and I’ve discovered I’m a pretty remarkable lady. I’ve made some good friends, and I’ve become less naive to the outside world. I’m loving myself more than ever, and one day I will share that love with a man who loves me as unconditionally as I do him.

EXTREME Confusion

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Last Sunday, I met Morgan for lunch to discuss our text conversation from the previous week. We chatted for about an hour about all sorts of mundane things, then he stood and announced he was going home to take a nap. I was speechless that we hadn’t even touched on the subject of us and he was just going to get up and leave. As we hugged goodbye I said, “so are we just going to pretend like nothing happened?” The look of surprise on his face was priceless. I hadn’t brought it up over lunch, so he assumed I didn’t want to talk about it. I asked what he didn’t like about me (I know that’s not a fair thing to do). He had the same thing to say, only this time he said, “I talked to my friends about you. You’re everything I want. If I made a list, you have every quality I’m looking for, but I’m just not there at this moment.” I had plans with Kathleen after that, and I spent most of our time together in tears. As I drove home, Erin encouraged me to not be alone and I joined her for dinner. And cried some more.

I didn’t contact Morgan all week. He sent me a text message on Thursday. I think it was a testing-the-waters message. The next day (Friday) was his birthday. I sent him a Happy Birthday! with a stupid meme over my lunch hour. I didn’t hear back until after 11:00 pm. He was out with Josh and Katie at some bar by his place. He hinted, but didn’t ask me to come out and I wasn’t about to invite myself. It stormed like crazy in my part of the city that night. I was awake at 3:00 am, and around 3:15 Morgan sent me a text: “What are you doing?” Then five minutes later: “What r u doing?” I debated responding, but finally did. He told me he should have invited me out because he wanted to see me and his “birthdays would’ve been better with [my] presence :-(” (I think he meant ‘birthday,’ singular). I told him I had to be up early and I was not going to come over at that time of night. He asked if he could see me and I told him Sunday, as I was fully booked on Saturday. He then told me he wanted me to come over so we could cuddle and sleep in, to which I did not reply.

It makes me very sad. The whole thing reminds me of my relationship with BM. We went on a couple of dates, he told me I was everything he wanted in a girlfriend, but he didn’t want to commit to me. Then he would call or text me at all hours on the weekends for a booty call, to which I would stupidly run because he was thinking of me and that meant at least part of him wanted to be with me. I didn’t realize that I was giving him what he wanted and getting none of my wants in return. I didn’t think that Morgan was trying to booty call me, but Erin made me question things and now I’m not sure. He and I had talked about how we didn’t regret having sex so early on, but we both thought we should have waited. He knows about my past, and I was very clear I was over having those kind of relationships. I don’t want to be a sexual object; I want to fulfill a man’s emotional as well as his physical needs. I haven’t heard from him since the cuddle message, and I haven’t contacted him. Mr. Morgan, you need to figure out what you want. Are you waiting for me to contact you? Are you embarrassed? I’m so unsure. I have to talk to him because I won’t let myself feel like this any longer. Either he wants to be my friend or he wants to date me. No blurred lines; I’m tired of being strung along.

Confusion

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I spent the past 7 days in Seattle with Carrie. It may sound odd, but I’m so glad for the turn of events with Aury that allowed me to spend an entire week with her. I did meet with Aury on my first day visiting. That evening we met halfway and walked to the park to talk. He is even more delusional than I realized. Almost every word out of his mouth was either a complete lie or absolutely absurd. He told me that he “put so much effort into our relationship” and couldn’t believe I hadn’t forgiven him for calling me her name. He reads these words, and I even have an entire entry dedicated to how he neglected our relationship. At the time I wrote those words, he agreed that he was putting forth zero effort. He said he forgot I was coming to Seattle and was surprised I contacted him to meet up. Um, what? I reminded him that he was on the phone with me when I purchased the plane ticket. I remember him telling me how much he wanted to see me when I visited and hoped we could hang out. He was upset that I wasn’t going to just forget and we could just be friends and hang out. By the end of our 30 minute conversation (if it was even that long) I said that even if we lived in the same city, we would never be friends. I stood up and walked away, never turning and looking back. I’ve never felt that kind of vindication after the end of a relationship. To walk away and not give a damn if he was watching or going in his own direction felt amazing. That was truly a goodbye.

Before I left for Seattle, I told Kathleen I had a feeling Morgan was going to break things off with me. The last two times I traveled out of state each fellow I was dating told me, while I was gone or shortly after I was back, that they couldn’t be with me. She assured me that I was just being paranoid and superstitious, but I couldn’t have been more correct. I received lots of texts from Morgan while I was gone. The first couple of days consisted of “how’s your day?” and “what kind of cool stuff are you doing?” The doubtful messages arrived Thursday night: “Do u ever feel just completely confused and lost… I’m just thinking about girlfriend, wife, kids. Any of that stuff. Am I cut out for those things.” Sunday night, he told me that he couldn’t give me what I wanted, meaning that he couldn’t be my boyfriend. I asked why. His answer: “I just don’t think I can give you what you want. That sucks cause you offer me everything I’d want,” later followed by “I’m just feeling confused about it all and I don’t wanna leave you hanging on.” I said that was fine, but to stop telling me I was everything he wanted but didn’t want to be with me. He said it wasn’t that he didn’t want to be with me. What? Apparently he likes everything about me. I make him laugh and smile. He gets excited to see me and he gets a little giddy when I text him first. We’ve been back and forth about things since Sunday night. I didn’t think to ask him exactly what he was missing from me until last night. “What is so confusing? What is your biggest hangup?” I don’t give him butterflies. He asked his friends and they told him that a lack of butterflies isn’t a reason to stop dating me. But he wants butterflies. I wish I could magically make his heart flutter, but I can’t. He wants to be friends after this, but I don’t know if I can. I can’t have these romantic feelings for him while we hang out, knowing he’s looking for someone else who can give him the one and only thing I can’t. It would absolutely crush me, and I’ve had my heart stomped on enough by every fellow I’ve been with these past two years. All of my discussions with Morgan have been through text messages. I hate discussing my feelings over text. I want to see his facial expressions or at least hear the emotion in his voice. I selfishly want him to experience my raw emotions. Hopefully we can talk this weekend. He offered that to me. I know he is hesitant to let me go; why else would he want to continually discuss things with me? I can’t decide how I feel. Will I want to resume a relationship if he wants that as well? Do I just let him go and move on? Can we truly be friends? Maybe after some time has passed, but not currently. I don’t want to hurt any more.

Where is he?

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This past weekend I invited Morgan to Fringe Fest, a performing arts festival, with my friends. We had a great time. He likes my friends and they like him. However, I knew something was up when he didn’t want to spend the night, even though he was going to the baseball game with me the next day and we live 30 minutes from each other. He did go to the game with me, and after said he had a really good time with my brother and me. Somewhere in the third or fourth inning, we got up to get a beer and walk around the stadium. We stopped and talked for a bit once we were away from my family. He commented that I didn’t ask him very many questions. I replied that he volunteers most information, plus we haven’t spent any time alone in the past two weeks. Every time I’ve seen him, it’s been with friends and he doesn’t want to hang out with just me. We talked about the incident at the pool. He apologized again for the way he acted. He said looking back, he was really inappropriate but I had dealt with it well. I brought up his avoidance of the boyfriend question. His response was that he has been burned so many times that he is afraid to get close to someone. He wants to date me longer before he calls me his girlfriend. We both feel like we slept together too soon. I’ve been hurt. I’ve been hurt badly by the last few fellows. I used to be a heart-breaker, but now I find that I’m consistently the one with a broken heart. The last two fellows I dated left me for another. The fellow before that wanted to be friends with benefits but told me that he didn’t know what I wanted, even though I was very clear that I wanted a relationship. Morgan told me he wanted to continue to date me, and he isn’t going to date anyone else, but I don’t really understand what that means. He said he wasn’t looking to date anyone when we met. Well neither was I. It had been just 8 days after I received that awful text from Aury when I met Morgan. Morgan is the one that approached me at the pool. He asked for my number. He asked me on the first date. He initiated our first sexual encounter.

I feel like I’m not good enough. Fellows think I’m pretty and funny at first, but then start to back away once they get to know me a little better. Is there something wrong with me? I’m not the most amazing woman out there, but I’m a pretty good catch. I want someone that can’t get enough of me. Someone who gets the same kind of excited pounding in their chest when I text or call. I want romance. I want something that starts out uncomplicated. It should start easy, right? Tonight seems like a good night for a drive. I have a lot of thinking to do.