WTF Universe?


Kathleen told me last week that my pheromones must be radioactive.

On Monday, I went to the gym as usual. I noticed several fellows looking my way during my workout, but I ignored them all. There is one fellow that I have had a few interactions with: I am always trying to move out of his way which makes him laugh because I’m never actually in his way. He introduced himself to me this time and we had a nice chat. After I got home and showered, I stationed myself on the couch to watch some boob-tube. At 9:30 pm, I received a text message from a number I deleted seven months ago. As much as I wanted to reply, “who is this?” I recognized the number and I just couldn’t do it. “Hello Sarah.” After staring at my phone for 30 minutes, all I could say was: “Hello, Adam.” He followed with a long apology that he treated me in a way I never deserved and he thought about me all of the time. I thanked him for the apology and said that I couldn’t have a conversation because I wasn’t ready to deal with the emotions he had just stirred up. I knew I would hear from him. I just didn’t know when. I cried myself to sleep that night.

Tuesday was my date with Whole Foods Boy (WFB). I thought about Adam all day, but as soon as WFB came to pick me up all my thoughts were re-focused. WFB and I didn’t communicate the next couple of days, but he sent me a message on Friday while I was working that he hoped to see me soon. I offered that he could come hang out with me that evening. I was doing some painting, and said he was welcome to come watch sports and listen to me sing while I created a masterpiece. He came over around 8:00. We watched a movie and cuddled on the couch. I expected him to head home when the movie was over, but instead he started kissing me pretty intensely. He suggested we move to my room and I went with it. You know that scene in Crazy, Stupid Love where Emma Stone’s character tells Ryan Gosling’s character that he had to have been photoshopped? Welcome to my Friday night. I asked when he had last been tested, and he went silent for a minute. He took so long to reply, I assumed he was fabricating a story. Finally, he said, “I’ve never been tested. I don’t have a lot of sex.” Uh, what? Anyway, some stuff happened and he spent the night. He buzzed out around 8 the next morning because he had to be at work at 9:00. He decided not to go out with me that night to Matt’s celebration because he had to work Sunday morning as well and didn’t want to be up late two nights in a row.

Flash forward 12 hours, and I meet Matt out for his birthday. Several people from work were supposed to meet us, and I couldn’t reach any of them. Long story short, I end up the lone female surrounded by Matt and six of his friends. Matt had been drinking since 1:30 in the afternoon and was pretty sauced when I showed up. He started telling his friends, and several ladies who were trying to hit on him, that I was going to marry him but I just hadn’t yet said ‘yes.’ Super awkward. Either he has terrible friends, or they were just drunk and horny because two of them tried to talk me into making out with them in the bathroom, one tried to convince me to move 100 miles west to live with him, and two others kept dancing on me and rubbing their junk on my butt. I will admit I got a good laugh when the two dancy fellows caught me in a Night at the Roxbury moment. If you have any ideas that I’m a good person, you might want to stop reading now. This is where my ethics take a nose-dive. I brought home one of Matt’s not so close friends, and then I had to drive him home this morning. When he got out of the car, he asked for my number and said he’d like to hang out sometime. Sorry, buddy. Things are a bit too complicated in my world to add another to the mix. All I could think about today was WFB: From the moment I woke this morning, driving the fellow home, at my parents’ house watching football, to this current moment. I feel awful about what I did, and it doesn’t help to tell myself that he’s not my boyfriend and I don’t know that we’re exclusive. These thoughts led me back to Adam. Now I can’t stop thinking about Adam. What does he want? He’s so bad for me, but I’ve always felt a gravitational pull to him. I also feel a strong connection to WFB. What else would have made me drive back to that store more than an hour after I left just to give him my number?

Coming full circle, I ran into my ex-husband at the grocery store tonight. I recognized his car and texted him that I thought I had parked next to him. When I came out of the store, he was sitting in his car waiting for me. We talked for an hour, then realized we were both headed to the same store after. I followed him there and we talked a bit more while we shopped. We ended up checking out at the same time. When I was finished, we hugged and said goodbye. It was so easy to talk to him. Maybe we will be able to be friends and let go of our tumultuous past together.

Now if only I can figure out what to do with all of these men!


Getting Comfortable


Date number two with Whole Foods Boy on Tuesday evening was fun. We didn’t do anything profound, but I definitely feel a level of comfort with him. I discovered he is poor at communication when we’re apart because he prefers phone calls to text messages and he works more evenings than days. He picked me up for dinner, though I should have given him grief for not coming to my door but rather waiting for me to come out to his car. We sat in his car in front of my apartment for at least 20 minutes before deciding where to go. Conversation about where to go kept turning to something completely off the subject. We started driving, picked one place then changed our minds half-way there. The final destination: pizza and beer. We had good conversation and learned a bit more about each other. It seems our religious and political beliefs are similar, though we didn’t get into too much detail. I asked him what he wanted to do after dinner, and he suggested we make out. I laughed because A) that was really blunt and B) I haven’t been asked to “make out” since I was in my teens. I think he’s insecure about having me over to his place due to his having a roommate. I live alone, so the only interruption we have is my cat. After we paid the bill (we split both this dinner and our first date dinner), we headed back to my apartment. We talked and kissed, but no nudity. I started to get sleepy and he stroked my hair, telling me he enjoyed talking to me but he also enjoyed silence with me. He asked when he could see me again. He had work the next two nights, and I have plans with my brother Friday night. I invited him to join my friends and me out and about to celebrate Matt’s birthday Saturday night. He accepted and then asked if he could hang out with me before we go out Saturday afternoon. I said I’d be happy to spend the day with him. Then he asked if we could hang out Sunday morning. Um… I told him we’d see how Saturday goes. He laughed and said he was probably pushing it. Yeah, let’s take this one step at a time. Apparently this fellow has a thing for me.

Good Juju


I never post twice in one day, but I felt my night was worthy of immediate attention. Whole Foods boy showed up first, at least ten minutes early. I walked in at 6:33. After we sat down at our table, we talked so much that the waitress stopped asking if we were ready to order. It was half an hour before we opened our menus. Conversation flowed smoothly, minus the few times we both got so nervous we forgot what we were talking about. We did everything right: no talk of politics, exes, religion… I found out he’s 30, has a younger brother and grew up in the area. I also discovered that he had to break our date last week due to his friend breaking up with a fiance. I did say a couple of awkward things, at which he laughed. His phone rang twice while we were at dinner, and both times he rejected the call and apologized profusely. After three hours at dinner, we weren’t ready to say goodnight. We’d been talking about movies all night so we decided to head to my place to watch Silver Linings Playbook. He opened all the doors, drove me to my car and then followed me home. I felt a little uncomfortable that we were at my apartment on our first date, but he didn’t try to put any moves on me. I had been messing with my cuticles all night. I tried to leave them alone, but he was making me crazy nervous. My pinkie finger began to bleed about half-way through the movie, and when I got up to put on a band-aid I had to come clean about my bad habit. His response was to grab my hand and lace his fingers with mine. We talked a bit through the movie, so I’ll probably watch it again to soak in all the dialogue. When the end credits began to roll, he turned to me and we went for each other’s lips at the same time. Just kidding, I’m super awkward about kissing and touching on a first date (and second and third…). He leaned toward me for a kiss and I let it happen. He didn’t touch my boobs, grab my ass or do anything else suggestive of “let’s get naked,” which was fantastic. Around 12:45, I walked him out to his car. We kissed some more and made plans to see each other on Tuesday evening.

I’m trying very hard to not get wrapped up in the chemical swarm happening in my brain, but it’s hard when we really clicked. I’m putting out positive vibes, and I’m looking forward to seeing where this goes.

Here We Go


Morgan. Bless his heart. After the drunk texting debacles with each other a few weeks ago, I decided not contact him. We chatted a couple of weeks ago, but not about anything of substance; just some “how have you been” and “work sucks” conversation. Wednesday (it’s always Wednesdays…), I woke when my alarm went off to a text he had sent at midnight. I sent him a message that evening asking if he had been bored at work. The reply: “I was at work, but I thought about you and wanted to say hi and see how you were.” We chatted all evening, and before I went to bed he said we should get dinner sometime so he could give my movie back. We ended up planning to get coffee this coming Monday. As friends. The next day, I had a message waiting for me when I left work. Our conversation started out innocent enough, but soon he was telling me this long story about how he falls for the wrong women that can’t give him what he needs and wants in a relationship. He gave me some specifics about the gal he dated just prior to me. They became friends with benefits a couple of weeks after he stopped seeing me. He went on to say that he was falling back in love with her, so he broke things off because he knew they didn’t want the same things, blah, blah, blah. I do what I always do, and told him that he should do what makes him happy even if it hurts at first. He did his usual and made a joke about my optimism and rationality. Then he said he wanted to see the new chick flick, If I Stay. I responded that it looked good but was going to be a tearjerker. He said again that he wanted to see it. I’m not stupid, Morgan. I know what you’re doing. I replied, “then go see it.” I’m a jackass. He then asked if I wanted to see the movie when we hang out on Monday. I want to see it, so I said yes. Is this a date? I’m hoping not. He hurt me so much, but I’m not sure what I would say if he tells me he wants to be with me. Actually, I’m not sure I want to be with him romantically at all. He’s fun and we have a great time together, but he greatly disrespected my feelings. Though I may forgive him, it’s hard to forget.

That said, I have a date with Whole Foods boy in two hours. I never did text him, though it took a TON of will-power. He sent me a message yesterday saying he had a crazy week but that he wanted to get together soon and asked what I was doing the next afternoon/evening. I told him I didn’t have any solid plans, which was true. I made a couple of “let’s maybe do this thing” plans, but no actual commitments. We picked a time to meet. No actual plan, but we had a time. As I type this, we are finalizing things. Meeting at Thai Place at 6:30. I’m excited but I’ve become so jaded to dating. Same conversation with every fellow: “did you grow up around here?” “How many siblings do you have?” “What do you like to do in your spare time?” I realized today that I don’t know how old he is. He might be fresh out of college. Shit. Oh well. I did go on a date with 23 year old guy who was studying to be a surgical tech and once with a 20 year old (though we both knew that wasn’t going anywhere…). Whatever. Let’s do this.



Kathleen tells me with every new guy that I need to be more breezy. She was in a sorority and teaches me all sorts of terms for dating and hooking up that I’ve never heard. Being “breezy” means you act less available to someone you want to date. This doesn’t necessarily mean playing hard-to-get, but is rather supposed to make one look less desperate in the eyes of their target. As a woman with no dating rules, this is incredibly difficult for me. If I have my phone on me and receive a text message, I answer right away. If someone asks me to do something at the last minute and I don’t have other plans, I’m likely to say yes. I’ve been told this makes me seem desperate and over-excited. I take that criticism with a grain of salt, however, as the few who have used those terms to describe my habits are still single themselves.

I bring this up because I’m trying to play it cool while there’s a tornado swirling inside me. I heard from Whole Foods boy Wednesday night around 10:00 pm. He took two full days to text me, which was a little irritating. I think it’s silly to wait that long and, unless it’s an emergency, I rarely send a message or call after 10:00 pm. It just so happened that I was was out and about. He did send an awfully sweet opening message: “This weekend a knockout wearing a yellow dress gave me this number on what seems to be a starbrite note pad. Would you know anything about that?” It was very charming, and he almost got the cartoon right (it was Rainbow Brite). I replied about 15 minutes later, but it was 11:00 pm before he responded. I was tired, had gone to bed and replied the next morning at 7:45 am. If he can text me late at night, I can text him early in the morning, right? We messaged back and forth a bit on Thursday. He stated that day and the next were his days off for the week. I wasn’t crazy about our whole conversation being in text, so I offered up meeting Friday afternoon around 4:00 for coffee or something equally casual. He said something along the lines of “maybe dinner” because he had something going on and wouldn’t be free at that time. I told him whatever worked for him because I didn’t have plans that evening and was just throwing out a time. I didn’t hear anything back that night, so I immediately had some Debbie Downer thoughts: “I shouldn’t have asked him out so soon.” “I should apologize for being so forward.” There were other thoughts, but you get the gist. Then I realized that I had walked up to this guy that I knew nothing about and just handed him my phone number. He had to expect I was going to be a bit assertive if not a little aggressive. Also, in our text conversation he offered to let me borrow a movie then said maybe we could watch it together, so I’m pretty sure my asking him to meet me out wasn’t that bold. Back to Friday afternoon, I clock out around 4:15. I check my phone. Almost 4:00 on the dot, I had received a message from him: “Tonight’s not going to work for me. I’ve got a friend going through something and they need me right now. Let’s try for next week.” It’s Sunday night and I haven’t heard anything. My dilemma is this: how long do I wait before I send a “hey, how’s your day going” innocent message? I mean, it’s not like I’ve invested anything in this guy. If I never hear from him again, it was a positive life experience. It’s the first time I’ve given a guy my number while grocery shopping, and it really boosted my confidence. Kathleen says text him tomorrow if I don’t hear from him tonight. Part of me is tempted to say nothing at all and see what happens. Another part of me wonders if he’s waiting for me to make the next move. The worst part of dating is the great cloud of uncertainty because neither person knows the other at all. You don’t know if a response is genuine, you don’t know their work or social schedule, you don’t know why they haven’t texted you in two days… I’m getting better at keeping calm with these unknowns, but it’s definitely still a struggle.

*Deep breath*

Taking the Shot


The fellow my father so badly wants me to meet called me Wednesday evening. We  He talked for two and a half hours. He’s very funny but every time he asked me a question, I would get a couple of sentences in only to have him interrupt and tell me another story about himself. After his story, he would say “I’m sorry, continue.” Maybe it was nerves, but I doubt this is the man of my dreams. We became Facebook friends and I’m not attracted to this fellow. We’ve casually texted the past few days, but things will most likely end in casual friendship. Thanks, Dad, but I think I’ll do my own recon work from now on.

After years of trying to hide my body from the world, I’m finally comfortable with myself and more often than not go to the store looking like a modern June Cleaver (this has a point, I promise).

Today's shopping attire.

Today’s shopping attire.

Grocery shopping is a bit of a production for me, as I go to three stores before I have everything on my list. I decided to skip Target today and just hit Trader Joe’s and Whole Foods. I normally hit both stores on the south side of town, but today I was on a mission to give my brother his birthday present. I decided to visit the Whole Foods closer to home, and it was an interesting decision. I strolled in and was immediately distracted by the fellow dancing in the grain aisle and forgot to look at fruit. I gave him a sideways smirk and went about my business heading for the yogurt. As I stared at the empty shelf of Siggi’s (they only had two spiced pear left, which I bought. Apparently it was on sale or something…), I realized I skipped over the fruit. I turned and wandered back, only to have the dancing fellow ask if I needed help finding something. I told him I forgot to get grapes to which he laughed and made some comment about how important it is to remember the grapes. I giggled and kept walking. I couldn’t tell if he was flirting with me or just being helpful. When I passed him for the third time, he blurted out that he liked my dress. I smiled, said “thank you!” and promptly ran off. As I drove to my brother’s house, I thought “why didn’t I stop and talk to the fellow?” When my dad embarrassingly gave his work friend my phone number, he said to my dad: “Michael Jordan says that you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” I have found myself thinking about this a lot over the past few days. I went to my brother’s and hung out for a few minutes, stopped by my place to drop off my groceries and decided to head back to Whole Foods… an hour and a half later. I was torn. What if his shift is over? What if he’s in another part of the store? What if I have to walk around like a nerd because I was just there? WHAT IF? My heart racing, I said out loud, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” I wrote my first name and my phone number on a piece of my Rainbow Brite grocery list paper, and marched in with a purpose. There he was. Unclogging some nuts from some contraption. I walked right up to him and said “I forgot something else when I was here earlier,” and handed him my slip of paper. He smiled and I said “It’s nice to meet you,” like a goober. He replied, “it’s nice to meet you, Sarah.” I looked at his name-tag: Zach. Well, Zach, maybe you’ll call me and we’ll go out. If I never hear from you, that’s okay too. At least I took the shot.