My Ex, My Dad, and My Head

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Jeff has been on my mind a bit lately, and not in a positive way. I’m not sure if he is truly happy with his child-girlfriend or if he is trying to make me jealous. I returned home from Seattle on a Tuesday. On Wednesday evening, Carrie sent a message: “Jeff is coming to Seattle this weekend and asked for cool places to visit. I’m going to see if he wants to get a drink and catch up if that’s okay with you.” Excuse me, WHAT? I begged him for three years to take me to Seattle to see Carrie. He has been with this gal for three months, tops, and he is flying her to MY sanctuary to see MY best friend. I told Carrie that we were all adults and had free will to do what we want. Carrie said they went for coffee because of his lady’s age, but she couldn’t stay long and didn’t get to chat with them long. He still hasn’t said anything about it to me, and I don’t know if he’ll ever bring it up. The twist of the knife came the next week when he brought her to the clinic where I work to make his appointment. Let me say that again: HE BROUGHT HIS GIRLFRIEND TO THE CLINIC WHERE I WORK. I don’t take fellows I’m dating to his place of work. What was he thinking? Of course my co-workers were abuzz about it and, thankfully, I didn’t see him while he was there. He came in on a particularly busy Tuesday afternoon, and it really is luck that we weren’t in the same room at the same time. Anyone who heard about it told me how disrespectful it was for him to act the way he did, but nothing anyone said could ease the pain. I sent him a text the day after I found out, asking him to not bring her to the clinic again and to treat me with a little more respect. He apologized, but it still wounded me and I struggled with my sadness for several days.

I went to lunch with my parents yesterday. They always ask about my dating life. Dad asked about Morgan, and I told them of the events from his birthday weekend. I could tell there was something Dad wanted to say while I was talking, but I was in a frenzy to tell them every last detail. As soon as I paused, he piped up: “would you be interested in meeting someone I work with?” “Why not?” I replied. I’m never opposed to meeting new people. I started asking questions about this mystery work fellow. He’s in his late 20s, does capoeira, and he’s a dark skinned fellow. My mom was ecstatic to learn that last tidbit, as she wants me to marry a black man so that I’ll have what she calls “adorable mixed babies.” The only catch is that he might be dating someone. Come on, Dad! You’re supposed to find these things out! I told him to give the fellow my phone number if he was indeed single, and we’ll go from there.

I confessed my seven year crush on Frank to my friend and co-worker, Sara last night. He works for the retinal physician that satellites our clinic every Tuesday morning. Frank arrived about seven years ago with the retina doc, when I was newly married. Tuesday morning is my time to do surgical paperwork, so I’m usually free to chit-chat as much as I care to, which Frank and I do as long as he isn’t crazy busy. We used to talk about how we both had long commutes and talked about our relationships with our significant others. I know all about his son: how he didn’t learn to drive until last year when he turned 18 and was going off to college. He knew me married, through my divorce, and now as a single lady. The last time we spoke, he was dating a lady from his clinic and I thought they were still together. When we chatted last week, he told me how he was riding his bike and was hit by a car. He broke his right arm, and we joked about how hard it is to wipe your ass with your left hand and pull on your pants one-armed. I asked if he had anyone to help him while all of that was going on, and he said no. His son was off at college and his mom couldn’t help. He made no mention of his, I assume, former girlfriend. This sparked something in me, if only to make my crush a little stronger. He’s 12 years older, but we seem to connect. Our conversations flow like water, and we always have the perfect sarcastic jab for the other. However, I don’t have the balls to ask him out. Number one: I’m worried about rejection. Number two: what if we go out, it doesn’t work out, and we still have to see each other every Tuesday? Number three: what if it works out and we have a wonderful life together? Am I ready for that? Sara tells me to not to pursue him, but rather let him come to me. If he doesn’t, then it’s not meant to be. I’m inclined to agree with her, unless it’s another year and he hasn’t asked me out. I may grow pair in that length of time.

I’m reading a fantastic book right now: You Can Heal Your Heart. The subtitle is Finding Peace After a Breakup, Divorce, or Death. It’s not super long, but it’s very insightful. I highly recommend it to anyone who is having trouble getting over a relationship. I found myself unable to get over Morgan, which was completely ridiculous as we only dated a little over one month. I discovered I was holding onto feelings from old relationships that I had never truly let go. It is full of positive affirmations and teaches self-love. Last night, I posted the words, “The Universe sends me the perfect people for the perfect lessons” on my dresser mirror. On the bathroom mirror, “I love and accept myself. I am worth it.” On another mirror in my room, “Happiness is my destiny.” I already feel worlds better, and it can only go up from here.

Wednesday

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I’ve been in a very depressed state these past few weeks. This seems to happen every time I return home from Seattle. I wonder if it is my heart telling me to go to the city or if it’s the simple fact I get to spend every day with my best friend for days on end, only to be thrown back into my daily routine so far from her. Either way, my fog has lifted. I finally feel like me again.

I sent a text to Morgan on Monday evening while I was out with Greg and Matt. I needed to talk to him about his late night, drunken messages to me. I was very accusatory and he was very short in his replies. He told me I needed to stop talking down to him and that we all do embarrassing things when we are drunk. His reason for ignoring me the next two days was that he knew it was inappropriate to send the messages. I asked that if it happens again he not ignore me and pretend like it didn’t happen. I was actually quite rude, but my feelings were hurt. I apologized yesterday, but didn’t get a response until tonight. He chatted with me briefly, but I was at the gym and he is working so it didn’t amount to much. I do enjoy his company, so I would like to perpetuate this friendship and not worry about romance.

Just before I left work today, the administrator’s wife asked me if I had any dates lined up for the weekend. I replied that I’m not currently in dating mode, but rather in self-exploratory mode. She talked to me about her search for herself, and it was the best pep-talk I’ve had. She is a great lady, and I hope to be like her when I grow up. She was single for ten years before she met her husband, and spent a lot of time doing whatever she pleased and not settling for less than what she needed. The two of them have been married at least 20 years now, have two fantastic children, and are an incredibly happy couple. It really opened my eyes that I still have to figure myself out. There are too many things I don’t know about me and I want to know my whole story before I try to learn the story of a potential mate. I feel lucky that I’ve had so many dating experiences in such little time. The past two years have taught me so many valuable lessons about life, love, and happiness. I’m getting closer to knowing the real me, and I’ve discovered I’m a pretty remarkable lady. I’ve made some good friends, and I’ve become less naive to the outside world. I’m loving myself more than ever, and one day I will share that love with a man who loves me as unconditionally as I do him.

EXTREME Confusion

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Last Sunday, I met Morgan for lunch to discuss our text conversation from the previous week. We chatted for about an hour about all sorts of mundane things, then he stood and announced he was going home to take a nap. I was speechless that we hadn’t even touched on the subject of us and he was just going to get up and leave. As we hugged goodbye I said, “so are we just going to pretend like nothing happened?” The look of surprise on his face was priceless. I hadn’t brought it up over lunch, so he assumed I didn’t want to talk about it. I asked what he didn’t like about me (I know that’s not a fair thing to do). He had the same thing to say, only this time he said, “I talked to my friends about you. You’re everything I want. If I made a list, you have every quality I’m looking for, but I’m just not there at this moment.” I had plans with Kathleen after that, and I spent most of our time together in tears. As I drove home, Erin encouraged me to not be alone and I joined her for dinner. And cried some more.

I didn’t contact Morgan all week. He sent me a text message on Thursday. I think it was a testing-the-waters message. The next day (Friday) was his birthday. I sent him a Happy Birthday! with a stupid meme over my lunch hour. I didn’t hear back until after 11:00 pm. He was out with Josh and Katie at some bar by his place. He hinted, but didn’t ask me to come out and I wasn’t about to invite myself. It stormed like crazy in my part of the city that night. I was awake at 3:00 am, and around 3:15 Morgan sent me a text: “What are you doing?” Then five minutes later: “What r u doing?” I debated responding, but finally did. He told me he should have invited me out because he wanted to see me and his “birthdays would’ve been better with [my] presence :-(” (I think he meant ‘birthday,’ singular). I told him I had to be up early and I was not going to come over at that time of night. He asked if he could see me and I told him Sunday, as I was fully booked on Saturday. He then told me he wanted me to come over so we could cuddle and sleep in, to which I did not reply.

It makes me very sad. The whole thing reminds me of my relationship with BM. We went on a couple of dates, he told me I was everything he wanted in a girlfriend, but he didn’t want to commit to me. Then he would call or text me at all hours on the weekends for a booty call, to which I would stupidly run because he was thinking of me and that meant at least part of him wanted to be with me. I didn’t realize that I was giving him what he wanted and getting none of my wants in return. I didn’t think that Morgan was trying to booty call me, but Erin made me question things and now I’m not sure. He and I had talked about how we didn’t regret having sex so early on, but we both thought we should have waited. He knows about my past, and I was very clear I was over having those kind of relationships. I don’t want to be a sexual object; I want to fulfill a man’s emotional as well as his physical needs. I haven’t heard from him since the cuddle message, and I haven’t contacted him. Mr. Morgan, you need to figure out what you want. Are you waiting for me to contact you? Are you embarrassed? I’m so unsure. I have to talk to him because I won’t let myself feel like this any longer. Either he wants to be my friend or he wants to date me. No blurred lines; I’m tired of being strung along.

Confusion

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I spent the past 7 days in Seattle with Carrie. It may sound odd, but I’m so glad for the turn of events with Aury that allowed me to spend an entire week with her. I did meet with Aury on my first day visiting. That evening we met halfway and walked to the park to talk. He is even more delusional than I realized. Almost every word out of his mouth was either a complete lie or absolutely absurd. He told me that he “put so much effort into our relationship” and couldn’t believe I hadn’t forgiven him for calling me her name. He reads these words, and I even have an entire entry dedicated to how he neglected our relationship. At the time I wrote those words, he agreed that he was putting forth zero effort. He said he forgot I was coming to Seattle and was surprised I contacted him to meet up. Um, what? I reminded him that he was on the phone with me when I purchased the plane ticket. I remember him telling me how much he wanted to see me when I visited and hoped we could hang out. He was upset that I wasn’t going to just forget and we could just be friends and hang out. By the end of our 30 minute conversation (if it was even that long) I said that even if we lived in the same city, we would never be friends. I stood up and walked away, never turning and looking back. I’ve never felt that kind of vindication after the end of a relationship. To walk away and not give a damn if he was watching or going in his own direction felt amazing. That was truly a goodbye.

Before I left for Seattle, I told Kathleen I had a feeling Morgan was going to break things off with me. The last two times I traveled out of state each fellow I was dating told me, while I was gone or shortly after I was back, that they couldn’t be with me. She assured me that I was just being paranoid and superstitious, but I couldn’t have been more correct. I received lots of texts from Morgan while I was gone. The first couple of days consisted of “how’s your day?” and “what kind of cool stuff are you doing?” The doubtful messages arrived Thursday night: “Do u ever feel just completely confused and lost… I’m just thinking about girlfriend, wife, kids. Any of that stuff. Am I cut out for those things.” Sunday night, he told me that he couldn’t give me what I wanted, meaning that he couldn’t be my boyfriend. I asked why. His answer: “I just don’t think I can give you what you want. That sucks cause you offer me everything I’d want,” later followed by “I’m just feeling confused about it all and I don’t wanna leave you hanging on.” I said that was fine, but to stop telling me I was everything he wanted but didn’t want to be with me. He said it wasn’t that he didn’t want to be with me. What? Apparently he likes everything about me. I make him laugh and smile. He gets excited to see me and he gets a little giddy when I text him first. We’ve been back and forth about things since Sunday night. I didn’t think to ask him exactly what he was missing from me until last night. “What is so confusing? What is your biggest hangup?” I don’t give him butterflies. He asked his friends and they told him that a lack of butterflies isn’t a reason to stop dating me. But he wants butterflies. I wish I could magically make his heart flutter, but I can’t. He wants to be friends after this, but I don’t know if I can. I can’t have these romantic feelings for him while we hang out, knowing he’s looking for someone else who can give him the one and only thing I can’t. It would absolutely crush me, and I’ve had my heart stomped on enough by every fellow I’ve been with these past two years. All of my discussions with Morgan have been through text messages. I hate discussing my feelings over text. I want to see his facial expressions or at least hear the emotion in his voice. I selfishly want him to experience my raw emotions. Hopefully we can talk this weekend. He offered that to me. I know he is hesitant to let me go; why else would he want to continually discuss things with me? I can’t decide how I feel. Will I want to resume a relationship if he wants that as well? Do I just let him go and move on? Can we truly be friends? Maybe after some time has passed, but not currently. I don’t want to hurt any more.