Where is he?

Standard

This past weekend I invited Morgan to Fringe Fest, a performing arts festival, with my friends. We had a great time. He likes my friends and they like him. However, I knew something was up when he didn’t want to spend the night, even though he was going to the baseball game with me the next day and we live 30 minutes from each other. He did go to the game with me, and after said he had a really good time with my brother and me. Somewhere in the third or fourth inning, we got up to get a beer and walk around the stadium. We stopped and talked for a bit once we were away from my family. He commented that I didn’t ask him very many questions. I replied that he volunteers most information, plus we haven’t spent any time alone in the past two weeks. Every time I’ve seen him, it’s been with friends and he doesn’t want to hang out with just me. We talked about the incident at the pool. He apologized again for the way he acted. He said looking back, he was really inappropriate but I had dealt with it well. I brought up his avoidance of the boyfriend question. His response was that he has been burned so many times that he is afraid to get close to someone. He wants to date me longer before he calls me his girlfriend. We both feel like we slept together too soon. I’ve been hurt. I’ve been hurt badly by the last few fellows. I used to be a heart-breaker, but now I find that I’m consistently the one with a broken heart. The last two fellows I dated left me for another. The fellow before that wanted to be friends with benefits but told me that he didn’t know what I wanted, even though I was very clear that I wanted a relationship. Morgan told me he wanted to continue to date me, and he isn’t going to date anyone else, but I don’t really understand what that means. He said he wasn’t looking to date anyone when we met. Well neither was I. It had been just 8 days after I received that awful text from Aury when I met Morgan. Morgan is the one that approached me at the pool. He asked for my number. He asked me on the first date. He initiated our first sexual encounter.

I feel like I’m not good enough. Fellows think I’m pretty and funny at first, but then start to back away once they get to know me a little better. Is there something wrong with me? I’m not the most amazing woman out there, but I’m a pretty good catch. I want someone that can’t get enough of me. Someone who gets the same kind of excited pounding in their chest when I text or call. I want romance. I want something that starts out uncomplicated. It should start easy, right? Tonight seems like a good night for a drive. I have a lot of thinking to do.

Advertisements

Insecurity

Standard

Sometimes I can’t believe I’m living this life. Our new optometrist at work knows Adam. Very well. Her husband is his Jiu Jitsu trainer and sometimes they hang out on the weekends. Small world, right? She thinks Adam is a total douche-bag and gave me the low-down on Mr. “I have a soft spot for you but we’re from different worlds also I met someone else.” So turns out his “one” is no longer. He asked her and her two children to move in with him after three weeks of dating. He proposed after one month because he thought he knocked her up. You would think a man with one whoopsies would learn how to bag it up… Then she breaks up with him but won’t leave because she hasn’t worked in six months and has no money to move. Part of me feels amazing for finally letting go of such a loser and he got what he had coming to him, but part of me feels very sad for him. I had hoped she really was the one for him, but I do believe in karma and she really kicks some people in the ass.

This past weekend was wonderful but odd. I went to see my friend, Erin, on Saturday. We saw a movie and ate a late lunch at a restaurant close to her house. I was texting Morgan, and it turned out he was at a restaurant just across the street from us. So Erin met my fellow and I was glad to see him as it had been six days since we last saw each other. We both have our own sets of friends that we want to see, and it is hard for us to spend time together with his work schedule.

The next day, Matt, Greg and I hung out at the pool with Morgan and his friends. Matt and Morgan got along very well. Almost too well. At one point, Matt was giving Morgan a piggy-back ride around the pool while they high-fived everyone. There was a lady by herself, who Morgan approached (saying he was trying to be Dustin’s wing-man) and started talking about her boyfriend’s baseball playing friends. Morgan used to play baseball and apparently they know a lot of the same people. He chatted her up for a while and I wasn’t bothered by this, but rather the female I refer to as “leopard bikini.” Leopard bikini and her friend were all over Morgan and he seemed to be enjoying the attention. I tried to clue Morgan in on my irritation, but he was preoccupied so I gave myself a time-out to text my mom. Dustin isn’t shy about hitting on me, noticed I was alone, and literally sat on me. He managed to do this twice; the second time I piped up, “Seriously? There’s a whole other chair next to me.” I think he got the hint because he didn’t say much to me the rest of the day. Morgan had warned me that I was “Dustin’s type” and he would probably chase me mercilessly as he had done to other ladies Morgan had dated in the past. I don’t understand how you can chase your friend’s lady-friend and feel okay about it. Dustin has earned zero respect from me. There were good parts of Sunday, like Morgan grabbing me by the waist and swing dancing with me to “Giants” by Bear Hands as he sang every word to me. We had a long talk by my car when we said goodbye. He was very stand-offish for most of the day and it bothered me immensely. He confessed his insecurities and how he often looks for reasons to not date a lady, only later to regret pushing them away. I sighed on the inside. I don’t think there is a truly confident fellow out there. That doesn’t mean I’m giving up, but it’s a new lesson. I explained to him that I enjoyed spending time with him and I wasn’t asking for serious commitment or marriage right now, just some attention and a show of interest. I was a bit irritated on Monday when he acted like nothing happened, but I didn’t say anything. I’m not making excuses for him, but alcohol can make a person act… different sometimes, especially when insecurity is involved. His friend must have talked to him about his behavior because he asked me on Tuesday if I had fun at the pool. I’m pretty sure he didn’t remember me blasting him in front of everyone for bouncing a ball off a random female’s rear end. I was honest and said “there were parts I could have done without.” He apologized for chatting so long with baseball lady. I pointed out that I had no problem with her. It was Dustin blatantly hitting on me and Morgan not noticing due to his preoccupation with Leopard Bikini. He thanked me for talking to him, rather than getting angry and not communicating. He apologized again, and I believe that he is truly sorry.

It bums me out that he’s as insecure as he is, but I think as long as we communicate we’ll be okay. He’s going to an arts festival with my friends and me this Saturday and to the baseball game with my brother and me on Sunday. I’m a bit worried about how things will go on Sunday. I asked for some advice and I got mixed answers. One person said to introduce him as my boyfriend, but another said to just introduce him with just his name. Long story short, Morgan said his last girlfriend never called him her boyfriend, but introduced him to her family as her “friend Morgan.” We had a confusing discussion through text (that’s how we talk during the week as we have opposite work schedules) about exclusivity. I asked if I should call him my boyfriend. He came back with we were dating, and he wasn’t dating anyone else. That seemed pretty ambiguous to me so I said I wasn’t dating anyone else and asked for clarification. He said he wasn’t seeing anyone else and wasn’t planning to. He completely avoided my boyfriend question. We will have been dating just under one month when he meets my bro. Anyone have any advice?

Life

Standard

Life has been incredible lately.

I made a realization this past weekend while spending time with my friends at the lake. It has taken me 31 years to make friends that I know I’ll have for life. Friends that will be there for me at the drop of a hat and friends that will listen without judgement. If I were to pick up my life and transplant to a city 1800 miles away, I would have to start all over again. Would it take me another 31 years to make those kinds of friends again? For the past two years I’ve been struggling to think of reasons to stay, but for the past couple of months I’ve been struggling to come up with reasons to leave. I love Carrie with all my heart and she will always be my best friend, but she has a life without me and has for several years. I’m not sure how I would fit into her life on a regular basis. Seattle is an amazing city. I feel at home when I’m there: the people are great, the city is beautiful… but my friends aren’t there. My family isn’t there. If I left, I wouldn’t be able to see all of the wonderful people with whom I have chosen to surround myself. I have had many days where I didn’t know what I wanted from life, but the more positive vibes I have around, the more clarity I seem to have.

I sent my ex-husband a birthday card this week. He got it two days early. I guess I should have hung onto it a little longer. Though he could never seem to remember my birthday (same day, every year…), I never forget to give him a card on his. He texted me today to say ‘thank you,’ and I was glad to hear from him. I was in a bad place when we last communicated and I was eager to patch things up. I genuinely want to be his friend, as long as he can keep his snarky comments to himself.

Aury continues to text me. I’m not really sure how I feel about this. On the one hand, I want to help him because I know he doesn’t have much support. On the other hand, I feel no obligation to hold on. Our relationship taught me a lot about myself and what I will and will not tolerate from a partner. He seemed emotionally available and supportive at times, but then he would turn cold and almost hateful other times. Writing that last bit, I wonder if he has bipolar disorder. The last time we had any communication, he made a bunch of excuses why he couldn’t go out and meet new people and make friends. I told him he had to leave the pity party in order to grow. I haven’t heard from him in a couple of days.

Things in my current love life continue to be amazing. While I was at the lake with my friends, Morgan messaged me all day, every day. He even sent a message Saturday night that said “when are you coming back to me?” He had been drinking a bit, but I still think it was incredibly sweet. I’m still a bit worried about the new-ness wearing off, but we have fantastic conversations and we enjoy a lot of the same things. My brother wants to take me to a Royal’s game as a belated birthday gift next weekend, and I want to ask Morgan to go. It’s not meeting my parents, but it’s meeting part of my family. I wonder if it’s too soon, but I’m torn because I know we would have fun and weekends are the only time we have to see each other. I hate to rush a good thing when I can take it easy and just enjoy the ride. I’ll figure it out. I always do…

Happy birthday

Standard

Yesterday, I turned 31. It was shaping up to be one of the best birthdays on record: I woke up cuddling with Morgan in my bed, which was amazing. After our first date last week, he had set an alarm for midnight on my birthday so he could text me as soon as he woke up. When it went off, he said he didn’t know he’d be with me at midnight, and he wanted to make sure I knew he was thinking about me. Turns out he has the same thing about birthdays that I do. My back-up at work didn’t give me a bunch of shit when I sent her a text that I’d be 30 minutes late to work (I didn’t tell her why…). Clinic was great! I worked on my surgical paperwork in the morning. Kathleen took me to lunch at Noodles and Company. Erin called me at lunch and sang “Happy Birthday” to me, Marilyn Monroe style. The afternoon went super smooth and I accomplished a lot. My mom took me to dinner at one of my favorite places and I got a super awesome brownie from our waitress and I swear she was on the most awesome happy pills. She had a great tattoo of a mounted deer on her forearm… she was magical.

Then Matt happened. I’ve written about Matt before. He drinks a lot. A LOT. He tells me all of the time I’m so amazing and I’m so beautiful and I’m going to give in and marry him one day. Ugh… I love Matt like a brother, and there’s no way I’d marry my brother. Matt texted me at 5:00 am that he had a flat tire. I didn’t get said text until after 7:30 am (or was it 8:00?) when I was reluctantly rolling out of bed. Being his boss, I gave him some shit and told him that he better be there by 1:00. This isn’t the first time he has texted me with an insincere excuse for not coming in. I knew he had a date the night before, but come on. I had a date the night before that went quite well, and I still managed to drag my ass in to work on 4 hours of sleep (4 hours is probably generous). Turns out that he had a few drinks too many on his date and had a tiff with the lady he had been seeing for a few weeks. She left and he went on a 24 hour bender. I knew he had a drinking problem, but I had no idea how bad it was. Long story short, he made a lot of poor decisions then called me four times during dinner with my mom. I ignored most of them because I was still irritated by the obviously drunken text messages I had been receiving most of the day. I finally called him after my mom dropped me off at home. He was at a bar and wanted me to come hang out. I told him I’d take him home, but I wasn’t going to have a drink. His mom stopped me in the parking lot as I drove up. She and his father were driving his car home, which had the donut on but even the donut looked flat. They were super worried but thankful that I was there because they knew he would listen to me. This was the first time I met his parents. Apparently he talks about me a bit. I was able to drag him out of the bar within five minutes, but we ended up sitting in my car for almost an hour because he didn’t want to go home. I think he was embarrassed for me to find out he lived with his parents. After he told me what he’d been up to since his date the night before, which included lots of alcohol, driving and no sleep, I drove him home and we sat outside for a while. I mentioned it was my birthday, and his mother looked immediately mortified. I said it wasn’t a big deal, but she emerged from the house a few minutes later with a bracelet in hand. “I got it at an estate sale but I can’t wear it because it’s too small for my wrist.” She put the gold bracelet on me and wouldn’t let me give it back. Matt was irritated, but I thought it was sweet. She thanked me a ton and went back inside. Matt pulled out his phone and called his sponsor. After I got home, his mother texted me that she had taken him to an AA meeting and he was already on the road to recovery. I picked him up this morning and took him to work. After work, I accompanied him to another meeting. I told him I would take him every Wednesday as long as he wanted. He wasn’t happy about saying yes, but I think he’s glad that I offered to go with him. I guess I won’t be going to trivia for a while, but my friend is more important. It’s hard to see him go through such a difficult time, and I hope he’ll continue to accept my support.

The rest of my night was equally interesting. As I drove home from Matt’s house around 10:00 pm, 4 of my 5 nieces on my ex-husband’s side called me and sang “Happy Birthday.” Their ages are 14, 6, 4, and 2. It was ridiculously cute and I love them. Aury called me sometime after 11:00 pm. I’m still not really sure what he wanted. He asked how I was doing, to which I replied something like “I’m fantastic” or “I’m great,” because it’s true. I’m incredibly happy. There was a considerable amount of silence and he said “happy birthday.” I don’t know if he thought I’d have a change of heart because he remembered my birthday or what, but it had very little effect on me. I know he reads my writing and, for all I know, he could just be trying to make amends for being such a jerk. After meeting Morgan, I realize that I shouldn’t have to tell a person exactly what I need from the get-go. Not that he should know what I want all of the time, but we should be on the same wavelength a fair amount of the time. Morgan and I laugh. We laugh a lot. We tell each other stupid jokes and give each other shit constantly. It’s like I took every good part of all the men I’ve dated over the past two years and put them in one fellow. Except his grammar. His grammar is atrocious at times, but if he has to have a flaw that is one with which I can deal. I’ve known him approximately one and a half weeks and he has already introduced me to all of his friends and asked me to go on a double date with his best friend. He told me that I should keep my plans to move to Seattle in the spring, saying that I’ll always regret it if I don’t. He said if there’s anything worth coming back home for, it’ll be waiting for me when and if I return. I’m not sure if he was referring to himself, my family, my friends or all of the above, but it was exactly what I needed to hear. It seems like a whirlwind, but I feel like I finally have what I deserve. I have a great job. My family loves me. My friends are awesome. I met someone who actually gets me and I truly enjoy being around him. Whether it’s just for now or forever, I’m okay with either.

Last week, I felt afraid to just open up and be myself. These past few days, I’ve felt amazing. The doubt is still there, but has gone from a loud ROAR to a tiny mew. I don’t know what’s going to happen. And you know what? It feels GREAT!

Doubt

Standard

As I prepare myself for date #2 with Mr. Gentleman, I can’t help the familiar thoughts and hesitancies creeping into my mind:

Most fellows seem kind and good at first, but will he be kind and good one month from now? Six months from now? A year from now?

Am I settling? Is he settling?

Will he become bored with me? If so, how soon before I’m no longer fun and exciting?

Am I physically attractive enough for him?

Does he want a serious relationship? Marriage? Children?

I’ve had too many dysfunctional relationships to go into the next without major doubts. Even my marriage was dysfunctional. I don’t need a perfect relationship. What I want is a man who adores me the way I adore him. I want to feel needed and wanted instead of wondering why he isn’t calling me or texting me for days on end. I knew some relationships were bad for me from the start, but I clung to the hope there was a part of them that truly wanted me, not just my body, and would miss me when I was no longer present. I now know that was a foolish idea.

This fellow seems promising. It’s quite a thing to spend almost six hours on a first date and feel like you’ve known them forever. We’ve chatted through text almost non-stop since Tuesday night. But words are one thing and actions another. I wish I was a lady who could just sit back and relax about friendships and relationships. I agonize over small details that don’t deserve such attention. As I sit in front of my computer screen, I check the clock again: almost 5:00 pm. I know it’s not a big deal, but I don’t know what time we are to meet or where. All I need to do is ask. It’s as if part of me is looking for something to go wrong; for things to go as they always go: my emotional investment greater than the other party involved. I don’t know this fellow all that well. We met while intoxicated. We’ve been out on one date. I know a lot about him, but there is so much more. The beginning is always the scariest part for me.

This last relationship has made me quite gun-shy. I thought I knew him, but really all I knew was what he chose to tell me, and I’m not sure any of it was truthful. I let myself get taken up by the romance of it all, ignoring the warning signs along the way. It makes me feel better that I know some Morgan’s friends and his know some of mine. His friends speak highly of him, and I know he has spoken positively about me with them.

As my favorite yogi, Baron Baptiste, says, “let go and let good.” Now take a deep breath, Sarah. Embrace the unknown.

Moving On

Standard

The past few days have been interesting in my world.

Saturday was a whirlwind. I woke feeling horrible about myself and was glad to be spending a fair amount of the day with my parents. When I feel low I like to dress up and feel pretty, so I wore one of my favorite pin-up circle dresses and put on my best cat-eye liner and hot pink lipstick. After I arrived home from my parents’ house, I called Aury. I had too many questions and I knew I would dwell on them if we never spoke. He and I had a seemingly wonderful, stable relationship and I needed to make sense of this other woman for who he was willing to leave me behind. He was very honest with me in our conversation, and for that I am glad. I understand why he clings to her, but I think I helped him understand why it’s an unhealthy infatuation. I know he has to figure things out for himself, and it’s not my burden to bear. I expressed very clearly that I am no longer interested in a romantic relationship with him. Although I am beyond broken by his carelessness with my emotions, I am a caring creature and I know when another heart is searching in the dark for any sign of light. I couldn’t speak any longer after he confessed he still wanted to be with this “Melanie” and leave me behind. My heart was so sore by the end of our conversation that I was barely able to say the word “bye” before I ended the call.

As I was slathering on sunscreen for the pool party on Sunday morning, I received a message from him that I was right and he felt she was hiding something. I had brought up the point, in our Saturday night conversation, that he couldn’t even wait one month to fly out to see me and I welcomed him with open arms. He spent 8 years trying to convince her to let him visit and she denies him every time. He told me that she threatened to not talk to him any longer if he continued to push her, and by “push,” he meant he asked her for a picture. I am sad for him. It doesn’t matter how much a person hurts me; I still feel badly when someone uses them. Damn this sensitive soul of mine! I even think about Adam sometimes and how I truly hope he is happy with the lady for whom he left me. He’s so fraught with unhappiness that I hope he finds someone that can be the light he seeks in his life.

Anyway…

So remember that thing I said way back about how I can’t seem to stay single very long? Allow me to elaborate: Kathleen invited me to hang out Sunday at her pool with her downstairs neighbors and their friends. I invited Jaimie and we showed up with vodka and wine in tow. I didn’t know anyone but my two lady friends, so we spent a good part of our first hour cut off from the rest of the group. Eventually we met everyone after they approached us, one fellow asking if any of us ladies had sunscreen we would be willing to rub on his back. I knew immediately he was hitting on me because I was the only lady without a ring on my finger and he had plenty of friends he could have asked. He spent the next 20 minutes staring at my boobs while I showed him pictures of my cat and talked about poop with my two lady friends. I’m a classy broad. I have an excuse: I had downed a good 12 ounces of wine and several shots of vodka. That’s not really an excuse though because I talk about those things when I’m sober. Back to the point… This sweet fellow and I continued to talk as our friends left us alone outside. They had all gone inside to eat and subsequently probe each other about the two of us. Was I a nice lady? Was he a player? Did I have a dirty sense of humor? Was he responsible? Apparently we are both thought of very highly by our friends and they are very protective of us. By the end of the night, I gave him my number and we texted a bit on Monday. He asked what I was doing the next night, and we made plans to meet for dinner. We met at one of my favorite places at 6:30. When I say we met at 6:30, I mean I got there at 6:30 on the dot and he was already there waiting for me. What?!? I was already impressed. After an hour or so of dinner and chatting, we left to sit outside at another bar. He was a perfect gentleman: held the door for me, paid for dinner and our drinks (even though it drove me crazy!), was very respectful of my personal space, and even made plans to see me again before the end of the night. We did touch on a lot of subjects that I think most people would avoid until a few dates down the road. I have a hard time not just putting it all out there at once because I want people to know I have few boundaries and inhibitions right off the bat. He gave me the best compliment I’ve ever received. I can’t remember the exact phrasing, but basically he said that his friends tell him he’s funny and clever and fun to be around, and he never really knew what it was like to be around a woman like that until he met me. I teared up a little. Around midnight, after we had discussed everything you’re not supposed to discuss on a first date, we both conceded that I needed to go home so I could get a little sleep before work today. I had no plans to date anyone until I moved. And even when I moved, I was hoping to just do my own thing for maybe a year or so. I even told him when we met that I was planning to move. I’m not really sure what to do, but I’d like to see where this goes. Who knows? I may end up with a great friend but I could also be meeting the love of my life. I’m fearful of being hurt again, especially so soon after the last, but here goes nothing. I’ll try to let down these walls again…